tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central June 10, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PDT
captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org engineering gone out of control? potatoes have eees, corn has ears, and now turnips have big titties. then bad news for photojournalism. a picture is now worth about 37 words. and my guest, jonathan alter, has a new book about obama versus the republicans. so thrilling, it's like nothing gets done on every page. the t.s.a. has dropped its plans to allow golf clubs on airplanes. great. now the putting green in first class s useless. this is the colbert report.
captioning sponsored by comedy central [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much. good to have you with us. all right. folks, thank you for coming. folks, the supreme court delivered a landmark ruling yesterday with far-reaching consequences for our privacy, our criminal justice system, and -- i'm sorry. there's just something a little more important i need to talk
about. it's that new superman movie. [ cheers and applause ] i have not seen it. and do not like what i have not seen. folks, i have been warning you about the man of steel for two years now. about the way it's liberal indoctrination about hope and change and the scandal that the guy playing superman is english. excuse me, english. superman is an american from krypton. [ cheers and applause ] read your constitution. even worse, folks, this henry cavill guy looks almost exactly like the guy they cast to play clark kent. ii's going to confuse the audience. think. and today, today i saw something that really crossed the line. by that, i mean the visible panty line. superman is not wearing his traditional red underwear.
this is disgusting. you can clearly see the outline of his, shall we say, fortress of solitude. come on! ( applause ) -pi've got to tell you, folks, f you look closely it doesn't even look like he's wearing underwear inside his tights which could b3 trouble because, as you know, our earth talc has no effect on him. i mean look at this guy. he's just blue, blue, blue, head to toe. it's like wearing a denim jacket with denim jeans which everyone knows got aquaman kicked out of the justice league. the red underwear, folks, the red underwear is a crucial part of superman's costume. every superman has worn them starting with george reeves and his belted granny panties. that's how we wore underwear in
the eisenhower administration. it was before elastic was invented. and listen to the lame excuse screen writer dan goyer gives for creating the commando of steel. >> our approach was not a comic bookksuperman. it was just to do a more realistic supeeman. >> stephen: that's right. a more realistic superman pecause when your hero is a flying man from anotherç planet who can crush coal into diamonds and melt titanium with his heat vision, you don't want him doing something unbelievable like underwear. i mean, great caesar's ghost. and, folks, i'm sorry about that. i guess the reason i take this so personally is that i am so much like superman. in their darkest hour... [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you. someone had to say it.
and once again it had to be me. like superman, in their darkest hour, i always am there to defend the underdog. like exxon. or goldman sachs and underdog industries. how could underdog have known that giving dogs a chemical undercoat would seal their pours and cause canine dementia? bottom line: did those dogs rust or not? they didn't live long enough. well now, another defenseless multinational is being unfairly attacked because of a little slip-up. >> federal authorities are scrambling to find out ppecisely how genetically modified wheat created by biotech giant man sandt owe ended up in an oregon wheat farm. >> the wheat was tested affer it was sprayed repeatedly but it would not die.
genetically modified wheat was created by monsanto a decade ago but never approved for commercial use. >> the wheat was genetically modified, the same strain tested but then abandoned by monsanto from 1998 to 2005 >> stephen: a farmer found genetically modified wheat in his field that monsanto stopped growing back in 2005 which means this wheat is not only reproducing on its own but someone is going to have to tell it that malcolm in the middle was canceled. the wheat was created to be one of monsanto's round-up ready crops which areegenetically engineered to withstand bombardment by monsanto's round-up, a powerful herbicide that kills every living plant except the crop. and no one knows where the wheat came from since monsanto swears it destroyed all tested material after abandoning the program. and then just to make sure no
one ever ound the remains, they buried that wheat in the middle of a field. but now, folks, now the wheat is back and the company has a perfectly good explanation. monsanto says it is myssified by the appearance of the wheat. okay. they don't know so maybe we should ask the genetically modified wheat. at this point, it can probably talk. long story short. the situation is under control but try teeling that to the skittish foreigners. >> japan immediately postponed a 25,000-ton order from a portland grain shipper. it's put in jeopardy this year's ore gone crop which is valued between $500 and $500 million. >> stephen: really, japan? you're afraid of a little genetically modified wheat? may i remind you, you eat raw octopus aint. now, sure, oregon wheat farmers
are hurting but we all know monsanto is the real victim here. they could face criminal prosecution and be fined up to a million dollars. do you know how long it takes monsanto to earn a million... oh, they just did. that was fast. [ cheers and applause ] and again. i say everyone just needd to relax. there is nothing to fear from monsanto's genetically modified unkillable mystery wheat or, as i call it, my amber waves franken-grain. [ cheers and applause ] see? it's perfectly friendly. just don't make any sudden
moves. here to tell us why my wheat is not to be trusted is pulitzer prize winning science journalist from the council on oreign relations, laurie garrett. laurie, thank you so much for joining us. good to see you again. thank you so much for joiningç me. hold on one second. all right. there you go. >> (lauuhing) stephen: okay. all right. now, laurie, how did this wheat get out? did it tunnel out of mmnsanto from behind a rita hayworth poster? how did it get into the field. >> in the latest statement from monsanto hinted that it may have -pbeen sabotaged. >> there are people out there who took their wheat. >> supposedly. that's what mmnsanto is leaking, that that may have been the cause. we don't know. it's very strange because there's no way seeds should survive in the soil for ore than a couple of years
>> stephen: how can something that they didn't develop in the last almost nine years at this point, how could it have survived? is it doing a rambo out there? is the wheat living off mud puddles and grubs some. >> the one thing we know is that there are 24 strains of so-called super wheats. these are giant wheats that are very hard to kill because genesve absorbed these strange >> stephen: there's a gene in there that keeps round-up from killing it. that can jump to the weed it's trying to kill? >> exactly stephen: how do you kill those weeds? >> just the way you killed these. >> stephen: i don't think these are dead yet. now, are the japannese right? is there a reason to not get this grain? is there a danger? >> iidon't think there's any danger to human health. >> stephen: people are calling it zombie wheat. you know. it's the return of the walking bread. [ cheers and applause ]
that's just scare tactics? >> look, the interesting thing is that monsanto actually could be completely open about this one because farmer barnes in kansas who filed the lawsuit... >> stephen: there's a guy in kansas who says ttis is going to hurt because it's not just japan but south korea. europe is looking to cancel the shipments from the united states and he waats to sue monsanto for this breach of trust. >> exactly. senator roy blunt who happens to be from the state that is the headquarters of monsanto stuck a paragraph into the budget resolution that is called the farmers assurance proviiion. it makes it impossible to sue issues. >> stephen: so how long does that last? >> six months. tephen: are we in the middle of that right now? >> it went into effect in the middle of march >> stephen: this crop that came out of nowhere and that monsanto says they have no idea where it
came from just happened to appear during the period of time where monsantt got a get out of jaal free card. >> go figure. stephen: can i get one of those? are you in favor of genetically modified foods or are you somebody who is opposed to genetically modified foods and before you answer, please don't say anything insultingg i don't want to make my wheat angry. guys, guys, down, down, down. here is some meat. (growling) you know what? for safety's sake we should just get going. laurie garrett, everybody. the council on foreign relations. we'll be right back.
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, if you watch this show you know i don't like newspapers. that's why i don't subscribe to any. if i have to kill a spider, i use a rolled-up i-pad. but i've got to hand it to the chicago sun times, a paper renown for usually being available from the trib is sold out. they have managed to cut costs without laying a bunch of people off from every department. everybody from one department. >> the chicago sun times is laying off its entire staff of
photographers. >> they ave laid off as many as 30 people in their photographic team there. >> stephen: yes, the entire photography department was laid off or, assthe sun times reported it, photo not available. but the paper will continue to have greaa photojournalism because reporters are now required to learn i-phone photography basics. but only the basics like pressing the button. if the sun times is still around in a week, the reporters can move on to the advanced stuff like using the flash and asking flood victims to say cheese. of course there are those who think firing photo journalists in favor of i-phones is a bad idea. for example, fired photojournalist and pulitzer prize winner john h. white who claims it's not possible to have reporters replace photographers. >> you can't take someone who fillssprescription bottles and have them do your heart surgery.
>> stephen: yes, you can. if a pharmacist can open one of those trial-proof caps opening up a chest cavity should be a breeze. it's the same motion. you just push down and turn the nipples. besides, you do not need to be a pulitzer prize winner to take a great picture anymore. just take a crappy pictures and then apply instagram's pulitzer prize-winning filter and voila. [ cheers and applause ] i just wish all of our iconic news imagee had been taken with an i-phone. imagine thii historic photo of the hindenburg. -pyolo the humanity. ppus trained photographers are limited to printing what they've actually taken pictures of. but i-phone photographers from
president obama called "the center holds." yeahh but the center holds but the edges are fraying like a son of a bitch. please welcome jonathan alter. [ cheers and applause ] going down, alter. >> you might be going down. stephen: i'm not going down. mitt romney went down because you and the liberal buddy brigade who are circling the wagons around your friend obama have nothing to defend anymore. we'll get to your failure of trust in this fraud of a man in just a moment. but first let's talk about your great new book. >> absolutely: yes, the center holds, obama and his enemies >> stephen: what do you mean the center holds? are you saying this guy is a centrist? >> i am actually stephen: he is not a centrist. a, he's a radical socialist. b, the center tends to be, you know, creamier.
>> so this is the first ook out about the monumental presidential campaign of 2012. >> stephen: this is the 2012 election book. >> but more. the reason it's calleddthe center holds is is not just in tribute to w.b.h., you know, things fall apart, the center cannot hold, but because i do see obama as while a little left of center, he is defending the consensus of the 20th century that goes back to franklin roosevelt stephen: you mean... ocial security tephen: it's a failure. it's going to fail. medicare we cannot pay for it. >> you are the red cal stephen: i'm not the radical. he is the centrist stephen: i'm an originalist. i want to go back before we had the progressive movement. i want to go back beffre the progressive movement. >> you are quite similar to paul ryan >> stephen: in that we both do p-90x.
>> ryan and the yan plan represented a return to a pre-new deal america. that's where i thought the stakes were so high. at the end for all of obama's truls right now, the center did hold. we're not going to have a radical right wing takeover of the united states. >> stephen: how did he get re-elected though because this is a conservative country and everybody knows it. how did he get reelected? >> there was a deep gap between romney and obama >> stephen: what is the deep >> the obama campaign had these 20-somethings in a cave >> stephen: a literal cave. to the obama campaagn headquarters in chicago where they worked in secret making algorithms, models. >> stephen: he lied about that too. it's a secret. >> he had professional poker playerss child property gee, biophysicists as well as the data scientists.
>> stephen: that sounds like the legion of oom. >> it's an amazing stooy because what they were able to do was to microttrget so that the canvasesserss the people, many of whom... >> stephen: hundreds of thousands of eople going around the country. >> two million stephen: that's many hundreds of thousands. >> their work and the way they crushed romney... >> stephen: cruss is a strong word. crush is a strong word. just say he lost and move on. >> he lost by five million votes. but romney was a self-described numbers guy but he was running what his people called a mad man campaign out of thee1960s. his guys some of them worked on reaaan's 1984 campaign whereas in chicago, you had these geeks who were designing ways to, for instance, take on-line fund raising from 15 million a month
to 150 million a month. they completely cracked the code. the emails were annoying as hell. but what they... >> stephen: i did not sign up and i got them. >> they studied this. they had all kinds of tests. they found out that the biggest conceptual breakthrough in the campaign as the guy running that digital team that you've got tt get over your fear of being annoying. once they did, they found that the number of people who unsubscribe was much lower than the extra money they would get by sending out more appeal. >> stephen: i understand he's got like the genius team that never before in the campaign. very impressive and very organized and driven and focused. why can he not do that in his job? >> well, i think he got a lot more accomplished than people recognize >> stephen: certainly more than i'll give him credit for. >> obama care is a pretty big change not a radical one. it's a centrist one
>> stephen: absolutely a radical change. jonathan, i like you. you're a friend but you're wrong. >> you got the clock cleaned on this >> stephen: my clock is filthy.% you would not want to eat off my clock, sir. jonathan, thanks so much for coming. jonathan alter. the book is "the center holds." we'll be right ba ba xppppxppxpxppxppxpxxxxxx
>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. dennis: hey, that's a great looking set of knives, pal. where'd you get those? charlie: well, this old magician guy was trying to unload 'em. oh, so, like, magical trick knives or-- well, the knives are real. i mean, they're used for magical tricks, but they're real. you know what i mean? they're sharp, too. well, i'll show you. hey, dee, can you get up against the wall for a second? no. you're not throwing knives at me. let's just throw them at her, regardless. - no! - yeah, you know what? start running, 'cause we're coming. - ten... - oh, my god, don't you dare. - nine, eight, seven... - dee: no. no, no, no. - six, five, four... - okay, listen up, everybody! we are right in the middle of something, frank. - frank, we're in the middle of something very important. - i got news. your mother is dead. ha! yeah, right. nice try. very funny, frank. i'm serious this time. she had a botched neck lift.